No Christmas Miracle Here

Not that I was really expecting a Christmas miracle, but then again Mary was either, AF showed up bright and early on Friday morning. It was by far the worst cramps in years, to the point of actually getting sick!  DP, so sweetly pointed out that maybe my body needed one more really bad month to get ready for a year of peace! Ok not peace but you know what I mean. Let's hope that is the case.  I start back on birth control tomorrow.  Does it seem weird to anyone else that in order to try and get pregnant we go back on birth control! Yes I know the science behind it but still weird to my mind.  Talked to Walgreens yesterday and they are working on the final price for the first round of meds which should be in next week.  We go back to the doctor on Jan. 8, until then we just have some large checks to write and enjoy Christmas with family. 

"You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it" -Matthew 21:22

If everything goes as planned...

My first beta will be 2 months from today!!! I know the chances of things going as planned now are very slim but hey a girl can dream!  My nurse gave me all of my dates the other day and I noticed last night that February 19 is suppose to be the first beta. As much I love to plan ahead no one should be able to plan their pregnancy test 2 months in advanced!  That is just insane to me.  All of my meds have been ordered by my nurse and they should be here by Friday!  Oh man that's crazy.

I was inspired yesterday by Kara and Catching Our Rainbow and their inspirational quotes.  In high school and undergrad I kept a quotes books.  It was a journal where I wrote down any quote that I read and related to.  It had silly ones, romantic ones, serious one, and everything in between.  When my little sister started college I gave her my book.  I thought it would be a great thing for her to have while she is away at school.  She is a junior now and she has been adding her own quotes to it for the past two years.  After yesterday I realized that I miss having a quotes book.  So I have started a new one! This one is going to be full of inspirational thoughts, scriptures, and anything else that will help  me get through the IVF process.  I am really looking forward to working on this and keeping it with me.  Thank you ladies for the inspiration!

"God has a reason for allowing things to happen.  We may never understand His wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will." - Psalms 37:5

A great read

I love to read! I am so busy most of the year with school reading that I rarely get to read something I enjoy. However, I try my best.  When we started struggling TTC I immediately searched for a book to read on the topic.  I wanted a Christian book but one that was realistic as well. I did not want one that said pray about it and God will take care of it! We have done plenty of praying trust me!

I found a book that I absolutely love! I have read it and taken notes on it and have since passed it along to a friend who says she loves it as well!  The title is Dear God Why Can't I Have a Baby?

This book takes you step by step the process you will probably go through (deciding to try, just seeing what will happen, charting, OPK, why aren't we getting pregnant, doctor's etc).  The author and her daughters all three struggled getting pregnant and all three provide excerpts from their journals during that time.  In addition there are a lot of stories from other women that really helped me to realize the emotions I was/am having are completely normal and to be expected.  Different chapters will hit home for different women depending on their situation (secondary fertility for one does not hit home with me but does with my friend).  If you are looking for a good book I strongly recommend this one! If anyone else has read it I would love to hear what you thought about it. 

The title is perfect to me! Isn't that the question we ask over and over.  God I feel like I am doing everything right, I am trying to follow your plan so why is it not happening? While the book does not give an exact answer as to why (who could really do that over than God himself) it really helps to show that God has a plan and everything is happening according to HIS will not ours.  The book really made me realize that there is a reason we are going through this.  DP and I have talked about it so much, including again last night. We don't know why we were choosen by God to go through this, but we are really starting to believe that we were choosen by God to go through this.  The purpose maybe so we will adopt children, as we have always been very open to this idea.  Maybe the purpose is for us to minster to other young couples who are going through it.  Maybe it is for me to focus my career not only on women's health but on fertility issues and educating women and the general public. Whatever the reason is, we believe there is a reason and we trust that God will never give us more than we can handle! 

"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

Bottom line

We got the bottom line price for our IVF.  I had debated posting the final price, since I do have some IRL friends who follow me, but then I remembered my purpose in blogging: 1) to help any other women or men for that matter out there who are struggling getting pregnant 2) so I can remember what we went through and how great God was through it all.  With that being said here is the bottom line: $23,725.81 (including ICSI for one cycle) without medications!!!

We are using Advanced Reproductive Care (ARC) out of California which partners with RE's offices to provide packages to patients.  Lucky for us our RE joined ARC about 6 months ago.  Through ARC we have selected the 2-Plus package with refund guarantee.  What this package consists of is 2 fresh cycles and 2 frozen cycles.  If we do not achieve a live birth we get 70% of the above amount back.  For us we really felt this was the best option.  The price is actually really good, better than our RE's office, and the refund was something we could not pass up.  Granted if we have a baby the first try we are out some money, but not as much as I thought we would be.  If we have a baby the first time out of the gate we will not care about the money! 

Regardless how great we feel about using ARC and the 2 plus plan, when I got the final price yesterday I though oh my goodness this is real!  I know I probably should have had this moment last week when we signed the consent forms, but for some reason the money did it!  DP and I talked for a while last night about how we felt about writing a check for $23,000!  He said he has absolutely no apprehensions about it! Wow talk about a relief!  I had this fear in the back of my mind that when he saw the bottom line he would freak.  But I should know my husband better than that!  Anytime he says he is going to do something you might as well consider it done.  He NEVER goes back on his word to  me, to others, to the youth at church, if he says he is going to do something he is period.  I love this man so much!

In the next few days we will be emptying our savings account basically, but I have complete faith in God that is what we are suppose to be doing and that He is in complete control over the outcome.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Another pregnant friend....

We have a wonderfully close group of friends that we went to undergrad with.  There are literally 30 something of us and we are unusually close friends, we say we are more like a family then friends. We were all members of FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) at UF and we went to church together for the most part.  We love to have fun at Gator football games and all have so much in common mainly that we place God first in our lives (Gators are pretty high on the list as well!).  I could never ask for a better group of friends. 

However, since we have been TTC 3 friends have now become pregnant.  One friend got pregnant the first month they were trying.  Sadly they were pregnant with twins and she miscarried one of the twins very early on when we were actually all together. She delivered a healthy beautiful baby boy last week. The next friends to get pregnant got pregnant month 3.  We saw her about a month and half ago and she is doing great and is due in January. This morning we got an email from another friend that she is pregnant and due in May.  She and her husband have only been married about a year and I was forewarned that she wanted to get pregnant asap (her husband is in his mid-40's she is 28) so of course I am happy for her that it worked the way she planned. 

I have always been the "mom" in the group.  I plan most of our get togethers, I host a lot of them during football season. I am even the one to organize us buying presents for each other (including baby presents recently). I have always wanted to be the first or one of the first to get pregnant in our group.  That is just not in the plans.  Very few of our friends know what is going on.  We just haven't been very open with them all since when we are all together it is rare and we keep the conversation fun and not focused on hard things in life.  DP has talked to one of the guys and his wife and I have talked but other than that no one really knows.  Some know we were talking about trying but have not really followed up to see if we really are.  I love our friends like family and want the best for them.  I really am thrilled that there will be little ones in the group soon.  I just want them to all be excited for us when it is our turn.  I want them to know how hard this really was for us and that we did not get pregnant the first or third month.  We took years and we had to use IVF!!!! Happy for them all but feeling left behind....

Signed our lives away and final exams

Last week was insane for us. 

I finished my second to last semester of classes ever (not going to count dissertation hours at this point!)!!!!  Talk about a relief this semester has been an emotional roller coaster and I was so relieved to be done with it.  Now just waiting for the grades.

We signed our lives away on Wednesday or at least it feels that way.  We signed all of the forms needed to complete IVF!  It was a really surreal experience. We spent Tuesday night reading the over 30 pages (front and back mind you) of consent forms.  Then of course we had to make some decisions that you never really expect to have to make (what happens to the frozen embryos in case of death, divorce???).  DP wanted to actually sleep on some of the decisions before we signed them, great since I wasn't already anxious enough just add some more anxiety why don't you!  In the end we agreed pretty easily on all the decisions. 

Wednesday morning we made it to the doctor's appointment and signed all the forms with no problem, since we had read them the night before.  Then we met with one of the nurses who is in charge of a clinical trial I am involved in.  About 6 months ago my friend AG, found out about a study going on at UF for women who are trying to convince both naturally and with IVF, they run some tests before conception, and then several times during pregnancy and give you $1800!  I of course signed up immediately for the natural conception group and had all of the pre-test done and was just waiting to get pregnant.  Since that obviously was not the plan I have been moved into the IVF group.  I signed the forms on Wednesday and the nurse says I have good news for you "the IVF groups gets an extra $200!"  Hey we will take anything we can get!

After signing those forms, we met with our IVF nurse/coordinator, let's call her JG.  I love her to death!  I actually work with her husband and have met her several times throughout the years so it great to already have a relationship with her.  She gave us all of the dates for our cycle!! I will post the details later but for now we are waiting for my next cycle due around Christmas.  I will start BC then.  Right now I am shopping around for the best prices on meds.  JG recommended Walgreen's Fertility Program and said they typically have the best prices, but I have to do the research myself just because I am type-A like that!

Next we got to meet with the psychologist.  DP had never been to any kind of counseling and I really didn't know how he would do.  He is really quite and doesn't talk about feeling (says he doesn't have them actually, another story).  The appointment went great though! She said she thought we were really well prepared for what was coming and saw no reason we would  not be great! DP even did a good job of expressing himself and was very much himself (very few concerns and whatever happens is what God has planned etc).

Now we just wait for Christmas!!!! Oh how I love the countdown to Christmas because it means I can start BC and we can keep moving forward!

Best best friends and moving forward

I have to tell you that I have two of the best best friends a girl could ever ask for! One, AG, is a newer friend in the past year and a half, but a true blessing from God.  She is PhD student with me and understands so much about me.  When we began our friendship I was floored at how God had put this amazing woman in my life at a time in which I need her so badly.  She and her husband have been married about a year and a half and are not trying to have kids yet.  Despite being in relatively different places in our lives she is more supportive than you could ever imagine about what we are going through.  We see each other daily and she always ask and when I say I don't want to burden her with it she is quick to assure me I am not!  What a blessing!

My other best friend is LH and we have been friends for over 5 years now and she was in our wedding and I was there for the birth of all 3 of her wonderful children! She and her husband moved to Georgia a year and a half ago (which is why I need a friend so bad when AG showed up!) so she too could pursue a PhD.  It is such an amazing blessing to have these two amazing women in my life who are both going through a PhD program.  LH has been there for me through so much.  She helped me plan our wedding, even doing my registries at time because I didn't know what I needed! Even though she lives 5 hours away we talk just about everyday, some days multiple times, and it feels as if she is still just down the street.  Yesterday I checked the mail and she had sent me the most thoughtful IVF care package!!!! Her twin sister just did IVF and had twins (yay!) and over the Thanksgiving break they put together my IVF care package.  She says there is even more to come which is amazing.  I am telling you all that I have the best best friends ever!!!!!!!

I have had two doctors appointments in the past week.  The first one was the 3 day ultrasound and blood work.  I have not gotten the results from the blood work back, but the ultrasound went great! I had 23 follies:-) I was very pumped about this and so was my doctor!  This week I had an SIS test done.  Not a painful procedure during, but after oh man did I have cramps.  The results of the test were "perfect" as my doctor said.  Now we just have to sign consent forms on Wednesday and meet with the counselor and wait for AF to show up around Christmas!  Yay.

AF has arrived!!!

For the first time in many months I was excited to see AF this morning! Granted I was not excited for the horrible cramps that accompanied her but I will take it.  Now we can move forward with the process.  Just waiting to talk to my nurse tomorrow and then will begin blood work and ultrasounds! Whoa it really is about to start!

We have not decided which plan to go (ARC offers multiple plans) but we have a few weeks (ok maybe 2) to decide! The main thing holding us up is that we have to use all frozen embryos before we can move on to the next fresh cycle.  How many frozen cycles do you all usually end up?  The packages include on frozen per fresh cycle.  However, if we have remaining frozen we have to use them prior to doing a fresh.  I am going to talk to my nurse and the financial rep for the office and see what they say but I would love to hear from you all!

Our plan and my wonderful husband

I have been meaning to post this since last week but have not gotten around to.  We finally have a plan! I love having a plan, nothing makes me happier:-)

We are going to be using ARC fertility program to finance our IVF.  If you are not familiar with them they offer multiple plans for couples interested in fertility treatments.  We have decided to start with the 1plus plan which consists of 1 fresh cycle and 1 frozen cycle.  We are also using their refund guarantee program in which we either have a live birth or we receive 70% of our payment back.  The main reason we have decided to go with the 1 plus plan is that the hubby made a good point: we have no idea if my body can even handle a pregnancy!  We are fortunate in that we have not experienced a miscarriage or even a chemical pregnancy.  However, this also means we have no idea what my body can or can't do related to carrying a pregnancy.  We are going to start with this plan but have committed to each other that if we do not get pregnant with the first plan we will continue to pursue children (either adoption, surrogacy, or adoption).  This was extremely important to me to hear from him.  I needed to be assured that if this does not work we will not just give up and live a childless life.  I could not handle that.  Knowing that this is only step one and we have multiple options left I feel a thousand time better. 

We have spent a lot of time praising God lately.  I know that may sound extremely odd to some of you.  Why would we praise God in a time when we are not able to get pregnant and are having to go to science to try and achieve pregnancy? Hubby feels so strongly that we are meant to be together and that this is just more proof of that.  We have talked about IVF since probably around month 6 of dating (crazy I know!).  It is something that has always been a very real possibility for us as a result of my endo.  We had absolutely no way of knowing that the reason we would ultimately need to do it is a result of his SA.  He feels that it is such a blessing that we were already open to IVF.  He keeps saying what if I had ended up with someone who was not open to IVF or who did not expect to have to do it.  This way it is something we had already anticipated and have moved very quickly towards it.  So praise God that He had a hand in all of this way before we even knew we would need it!  He really brought us together for purpose and we believe that more and more everyday as a result of all of this. 

I love my husband so much and I appreciate him more than words can ever express.  He is an amazing man who stands by his word no matter what and I know when he promises me that we will have children in our home someway that he means it and will make it happen.  All of this has brought us even closer together, which I was not aware could even happen.  So many couples that we know struggle with their marriage without going through infertility and I just praise God that we are coming together and are on the same page in all of this. 

Here we go....

We had our appointment on Wednesday to get the results from the last SA and figure out a plan.  We now have a plan which makes me extremely happy and much more comfortable!

We are entering the world of IVF.  Hubby's results were still not good (4.5million count, 25% mobility, and 1% morphology) so this the only real option we have at this point when you add in my endo.  No one ever goes to the doctor hoping they say "you get to do IVF now yay for you!!!!" so obviously we were hoping the results were better than before were we could do IUI.  However, been realistic we knew this was probably not going to happen. 

IVF has been something that I accepted years ago, literally when I was about 19. I have already cried about the possibility and been upset about having to do it so when we found out yesterday I was completely good!  Hubby ask some good questions, success rates, anything else we should consider before moving forward etc.  We had talked about that this was a very real possibility and his biggest thing was if we should do it in Gainesville (where we live) or drive 2 hours to the clinic in Jacksonville.  The clinic in Jacksonville has excellent success rates and I have known several people to get pregnant very quickly there and who speak highly of that clinic.  Our doctor in Gainesville was able to really sell us on doing it in Gainesville.  We are going to do it here and stay here as long as we feel it is the best place for us.  I love that I already know all the nurses, the lab techs, the financial lady, and all the sweet women who check us out weekly!  I am hopeful that the comfortable of being in this surrounding will help. 

The game plan is to wait.  No seriously... I have to wait for my next period to start, go figure.  Now I am just waiting and praying my cycle won't be crazy long this month.  Once that starts I get to do an ultrasound, FSH testing and a SIS test on my uterus.  From there I believe I start birth control (crazy right! go on birth control to try and get pregnant yep prefect logic....).  Then lupron shots.  From there I honestly don't remember the next steps...shots, shots, and more shots I believe. 

Regardless of the specifics I am super pumped to have a plan and to feel confident in this plan!  Of course I have some more tests to do more this actually happens, but I feel like we are moving in the right direction.  Oh and of course there is the cost issue...yeah about that.....

A year older and still childless

My birthday was last Friday and I have never been a big birthday person.  Now don't get me wrong I love a present just as much as the next girl!  I just don't need all of the attention of a big party or anything.  I prefer to just hang out with friends.

Last year for my birthday was when we decided to throw out the birth control pills!  So we have officially been of birth control for a year, hindsight we were just wasting money anyways but still.  My birthday last year was full of hope and excitement to finally try and have a baby.  I was looking forward to not being on any medication for the first time in over 11 years! I knew this year could be challenging but I was praying that maybe just maybe I had already paid my dues with the endo and was going to be in the clear for just one thing. So many hopes and dreams a year ago that were just an unrealistic fantasy.

This year was one birthday I was not looking forward to at all!  The idea of turning 27 is horrible to me.  I know a lot of people would say  "27 man I wish I was 27 again!".  I  know 27 really is not that old.  There is a reason I did not want to turn 27.  Both of my parents were 27 when I was born.  My entire life (or as long as I was aware of this) I have wanted to not be as old as my parents were when they had me! I felt like a lot of times my parents were the older parents and my friend's parents were so much younger.  I always wanted to be a young mom, not early 20's young, but earlier than my mom.  Of course now I realize my parents were not the old parents, my friend's parents were just the young parents.  My mother-in-law was 20 when my husband, her first, was born and I am thankful I was not 20 with a child!

I have been struggling with the idea that for years I wanted to be a younger mom than my mom was, but after having my birthday on Friday I figure that will probably not happen.  In reality I am hoping to be 27 and not 28 when first child is born.  So I guess I should get pregnant in the next 3 months for that to happen.  Oh boy that is unlikely!

But at least there are some major advantages to getting old like a new pink Cuisinart stand mixer!!!!

Different kind of two week wait

The two week wait is always the worst.
We want to test early and we evaluate every single symptom wondering if maybe just maybe this one means we are pregnant.
This two week wait is a little different.  There will be no symptoms to wonder about.  There will be no desire to test early.  There will only be waiting and wondering.  This two week wait will consist of us waiting for the hubby's test results.  The results that will let us know where we might be headed in this long journey.  If the results are good (which I would be surprised if they are) we can go back to the original plan of IUI.  If they are the same or worse we will move forward towards IVF.  I keep telling myself and everyone else I am good with either result.  That I am good moving on to IVF, which I am good doing. 

However I am not good with either result.  I am angry that we are here.  I am angry that this problem keeps getting worse.  I am angry that other people basically just look at each other and get pregnant.  I am just angry....  The thing is I am not an angry person normally.  I have never been one to yell, punch things or do any of the normal angry person things.  However, lately all I have wanted to do is yell, punch the wall, and just cry.  I don't understand why God is allowing this to happen to us.  As hard as it is say I do believe that God is allowing this to happen to us.  I believe He could "fix" this in a snap of His fingers if He wanted.  I know deep down there is reason for this and I have searched for it and know without any doubt there is purpose to this and God has a plan for us, but the question remains: Why????

Over the next two weeks we have plenty to keep us busy, a good friend gets married this weekend with an open bar (yay I guess) and then the following weekend is Florida vs. Georgia in Jacksonville which is one of our favorite times of the year because a lot of our college friends come.  Oh and both of birthdays are in these two weeks as well (I will blog about my birthday later). Yes there are plenty of activities to keep me busy and plenty of opportunities to drink which could be fun.  But I would give it all up to be pregnant. 

So for the next two weeks I will smile for all the pictures and secretly wonder Why God haven't you fixed this problem yet?????

Annual Appointment

With everything else going on I forgot that I had my annual scheduled for Friday oops.  On Thursday night I was really sad that I had to go on Friday morning.  I felt as those it was just a waste a time and that it was not going to help us move forward.  When I told my hubby he was not sympathetic at all (which is pretty common for him).  His response to my being sad about going to the doctor was that I should only be sad if "I had did not have a leg or had cancer".  Such typically response.  I know he is right, but it still makes it hard. 
The appointment went great though!  Dr. W said that the endo does not seem to be much of a factor right now.  He also indicated that the hubby's semen analysis was actually not just low but "extremely low".  I am surprised that this did not bother me more than it did.  He said he felt that would just need to look into IVF for sure.  I think hearing from him instead of the nurse really helped.  He was so positive that he felt IVF would work for us.  I know that most doctors probably say that but I was still glad to hear it.  We had a great conversation and chatted about possible research studies as well!  I know I am a complete PhD dork:-)
We also were able to set the next semen analysis date for Oct. 22 which is really soon!  We have a good friends wedding this weekend and leave on Thursday so the 22nd is very close.  Then we go back on October 31 to get the results and decide on our next step.  I function soooo much better when I have plan and know when the next step is coming.  Even if I don't know what the next step is (IUI or IVF) I do know when we will know something else.  The whole not knowing and just waiting around kills me.  I have come to terms with doing IVF or IUI but am just ready to do something besides wait for each day to pass!

Plus my birthday is this week so might as well have a good week:-) We get to see tons of great friends and spend the weekend together so it is going to be a great week.

How we got here...

My husband and I met during my freshman year of college and honestly it maybe cliche but it was love very early on and has been smooth sailing ever since.  Not long after we started dating I was officially diagnosed with endometriosis.  I had been having symptoms since a cyst ruptured my freshman year of high school.  The diagnosis through a lap did not come as a surprise, the surprise came at how advanced it was given my age of only 19.  At this time the doctor indicated that he doubted I would ever be able to convince a child period.  The first doctor did not provide much hope of me ever being able to have a child, which at the age of 19 was not an easy thing to hear.  A year of treatment with very little relief forced my parents and I to explore other doctor's once the first one today my mom and I "this is your life and you need to learn to deal with it" in response my pain level.

This was the best decision we ever made in my medical treatment! I moved on to an RE who is in our town and specializes in endo! What an amazing blessing this man has been.  I have been seeing him since May of 2005 and he has honestly saved my life.  He is a man with a plan which I love ( I always plan and want to have a plan for any situation). There have been some rough times with the endo and many different treatments including physical therapy, surgery, and plenty of medications, but never have I doubted my doctor or his plan for me. 

The goal from very early on has to be allow me to one day try to have a child.  Naturally has always been the goal, but my husband and I have always been open to medical intervention (just have hoped we would never need it). A year ago we were beginning to feel like we were ready to begin our family.  He has a great job and financially we were as ready as we would be for a while.  During my annual appointment with my RE I mentioned to him I did not think I wanted any more birth control. He was elated at this idea! It was so great to see him so excited for us.  Following my exam and more questions he said that my body "was in the best shape he had ever seen it in" and saw no reason we should not try to have a baby!!!! We talked about how this was what we had been working towards since 2005 and he agreed we had done everything we could to get to this point. He said he would only give us one year of trying on our own before he used medical intervention to help us out.
We had the finally stamp of approval that we needed or so we thought.  He wanted me to have one cycle before we actually "tried" to get pregnant.  This was the first long month of many more to come. 

For the most part the first year was very unexciting:
-One ultrasound in February when I had some random bleeding. Turned out to be ovulation bleeding!
-Most cycles were 28-30 days for the first 6 months
-I did a great job for the first 6-7 months of not tracking my cycles or trying to detect ovulation (temping OPK etc)
-I kept hoping it would just happen (friends would probably say I was really really hoping it would just happen!)

Around June of this year I started to get worried that it was going to be the long process I had dreaded for years.  August came and I had the weirdest period very abnormal.  My doctor's office was concerned I was miscarrying, which was heartbreaking but encouraging at the same time (meant everything was working). Turned out I was not.  September was another weird month with a 45 day cycle!  My doctor scheduled an appointment for us this month and indicated he thought IUI with injectables was our best option.  This was exactly what we had expected him to say and we were ready to move forward!  We were to start the process as soon as my cycle ended (around the end of October possibly).  All we had to do was the semen analysis for my hubby. We were not worried about it, why should we be?  He provided his sample and we went on planning for the IUI.  Then our nurse called a week later.  The results were heartbreaking.  His count was boarder lined, his motility and shape were both very low (she did not give numbers). The results were so bad our RE cancelled our IUI.  This was the most devastating part of this journey so far.  We were so close to moving forward and then all of a sudden we were moving backwards.  We are now waiting for his next around of tests which should happen in about 2 weeks.  Depending on the result we will either move forward with IUI (if the results are good!) or visit a male infertility specialist.  The good news is our RE has says even with the results were are still excellent candidates for IVF. 

I plan to use this blog to keep track of where we have been, where we are, and where we are headed.  Feel free to join us on our journey to having our on Baby Gator!