My birthday was last Friday and I have never been a big birthday person. Now don't get me wrong I love a present just as much as the next girl! I just don't need all of the attention of a big party or anything. I prefer to just hang out with friends.
Last year for my birthday was when we decided to throw out the birth control pills! So we have officially been of birth control for a year, hindsight we were just wasting money anyways but still. My birthday last year was full of hope and excitement to finally try and have a baby. I was looking forward to not being on any medication for the first time in over 11 years! I knew this year could be challenging but I was praying that maybe just maybe I had already paid my dues with the endo and was going to be in the clear for just one thing. So many hopes and dreams a year ago that were just an unrealistic fantasy.
This year was one birthday I was not looking forward to at all! The idea of turning 27 is horrible to me. I know a lot of people would say "27 man I wish I was 27 again!". I know 27 really is not that old. There is a reason I did not want to turn 27. Both of my parents were 27 when I was born. My entire life (or as long as I was aware of this) I have wanted to not be as old as my parents were when they had me! I felt like a lot of times my parents were the older parents and my friend's parents were so much younger. I always wanted to be a young mom, not early 20's young, but earlier than my mom. Of course now I realize my parents were not the old parents, my friend's parents were just the young parents. My mother-in-law was 20 when my husband, her first, was born and I am thankful I was not 20 with a child!
I have been struggling with the idea that for years I wanted to be a younger mom than my mom was, but after having my birthday on Friday I figure that will probably not happen. In reality I am hoping to be 27 and not 28 when first child is born. So I guess I should get pregnant in the next 3 months for that to happen. Oh boy that is unlikely!
But at least there are some major advantages to getting old like a new pink Cuisinart stand mixer!!!!
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Different kind of two week wait
The two week wait is always the worst.
We want to test early and we evaluate every single symptom wondering if maybe just maybe this one means we are pregnant.
This two week wait is a little different. There will be no symptoms to wonder about. There will be no desire to test early. There will only be waiting and wondering. This two week wait will consist of us waiting for the hubby's test results. The results that will let us know where we might be headed in this long journey. If the results are good (which I would be surprised if they are) we can go back to the original plan of IUI. If they are the same or worse we will move forward towards IVF. I keep telling myself and everyone else I am good with either result. That I am good moving on to IVF, which I am good doing.
However I am not good with either result. I am angry that we are here. I am angry that this problem keeps getting worse. I am angry that other people basically just look at each other and get pregnant. I am just angry.... The thing is I am not an angry person normally. I have never been one to yell, punch things or do any of the normal angry person things. However, lately all I have wanted to do is yell, punch the wall, and just cry. I don't understand why God is allowing this to happen to us. As hard as it is say I do believe that God is allowing this to happen to us. I believe He could "fix" this in a snap of His fingers if He wanted. I know deep down there is reason for this and I have searched for it and know without any doubt there is purpose to this and God has a plan for us, but the question remains: Why????
Over the next two weeks we have plenty to keep us busy, a good friend gets married this weekend with an open bar (yay I guess) and then the following weekend is Florida vs. Georgia in Jacksonville which is one of our favorite times of the year because a lot of our college friends come. Oh and both of birthdays are in these two weeks as well (I will blog about my birthday later). Yes there are plenty of activities to keep me busy and plenty of opportunities to drink which could be fun. But I would give it all up to be pregnant.
So for the next two weeks I will smile for all the pictures and secretly wonder Why God haven't you fixed this problem yet?????
We want to test early and we evaluate every single symptom wondering if maybe just maybe this one means we are pregnant.
This two week wait is a little different. There will be no symptoms to wonder about. There will be no desire to test early. There will only be waiting and wondering. This two week wait will consist of us waiting for the hubby's test results. The results that will let us know where we might be headed in this long journey. If the results are good (which I would be surprised if they are) we can go back to the original plan of IUI. If they are the same or worse we will move forward towards IVF. I keep telling myself and everyone else I am good with either result. That I am good moving on to IVF, which I am good doing.
However I am not good with either result. I am angry that we are here. I am angry that this problem keeps getting worse. I am angry that other people basically just look at each other and get pregnant. I am just angry.... The thing is I am not an angry person normally. I have never been one to yell, punch things or do any of the normal angry person things. However, lately all I have wanted to do is yell, punch the wall, and just cry. I don't understand why God is allowing this to happen to us. As hard as it is say I do believe that God is allowing this to happen to us. I believe He could "fix" this in a snap of His fingers if He wanted. I know deep down there is reason for this and I have searched for it and know without any doubt there is purpose to this and God has a plan for us, but the question remains: Why????
Over the next two weeks we have plenty to keep us busy, a good friend gets married this weekend with an open bar (yay I guess) and then the following weekend is Florida vs. Georgia in Jacksonville which is one of our favorite times of the year because a lot of our college friends come. Oh and both of birthdays are in these two weeks as well (I will blog about my birthday later). Yes there are plenty of activities to keep me busy and plenty of opportunities to drink which could be fun. But I would give it all up to be pregnant.
So for the next two weeks I will smile for all the pictures and secretly wonder Why God haven't you fixed this problem yet?????
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Annual Appointment
With everything else going on I forgot that I had my annual scheduled for Friday oops. On Thursday night I was really sad that I had to go on Friday morning. I felt as those it was just a waste a time and that it was not going to help us move forward. When I told my hubby he was not sympathetic at all (which is pretty common for him). His response to my being sad about going to the doctor was that I should only be sad if "I had did not have a leg or had cancer". Such typically response. I know he is right, but it still makes it hard.
The appointment went great though! Dr. W said that the endo does not seem to be much of a factor right now. He also indicated that the hubby's semen analysis was actually not just low but "extremely low". I am surprised that this did not bother me more than it did. He said he felt that would just need to look into IVF for sure. I think hearing from him instead of the nurse really helped. He was so positive that he felt IVF would work for us. I know that most doctors probably say that but I was still glad to hear it. We had a great conversation and chatted about possible research studies as well! I know I am a complete PhD dork:-)
We also were able to set the next semen analysis date for Oct. 22 which is really soon! We have a good friends wedding this weekend and leave on Thursday so the 22nd is very close. Then we go back on October 31 to get the results and decide on our next step. I function soooo much better when I have plan and know when the next step is coming. Even if I don't know what the next step is (IUI or IVF) I do know when we will know something else. The whole not knowing and just waiting around kills me. I have come to terms with doing IVF or IUI but am just ready to do something besides wait for each day to pass!
Plus my birthday is this week so might as well have a good week:-) We get to see tons of great friends and spend the weekend together so it is going to be a great week.
The appointment went great though! Dr. W said that the endo does not seem to be much of a factor right now. He also indicated that the hubby's semen analysis was actually not just low but "extremely low". I am surprised that this did not bother me more than it did. He said he felt that would just need to look into IVF for sure. I think hearing from him instead of the nurse really helped. He was so positive that he felt IVF would work for us. I know that most doctors probably say that but I was still glad to hear it. We had a great conversation and chatted about possible research studies as well! I know I am a complete PhD dork:-)
We also were able to set the next semen analysis date for Oct. 22 which is really soon! We have a good friends wedding this weekend and leave on Thursday so the 22nd is very close. Then we go back on October 31 to get the results and decide on our next step. I function soooo much better when I have plan and know when the next step is coming. Even if I don't know what the next step is (IUI or IVF) I do know when we will know something else. The whole not knowing and just waiting around kills me. I have come to terms with doing IVF or IUI but am just ready to do something besides wait for each day to pass!
Plus my birthday is this week so might as well have a good week:-) We get to see tons of great friends and spend the weekend together so it is going to be a great week.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
How we got here...
My husband and I met during my freshman year of college and honestly it maybe cliche but it was love very early on and has been smooth sailing ever since. Not long after we started dating I was officially diagnosed with endometriosis. I had been having symptoms since a cyst ruptured my freshman year of high school. The diagnosis through a lap did not come as a surprise, the surprise came at how advanced it was given my age of only 19. At this time the doctor indicated that he doubted I would ever be able to convince a child period. The first doctor did not provide much hope of me ever being able to have a child, which at the age of 19 was not an easy thing to hear. A year of treatment with very little relief forced my parents and I to explore other doctor's once the first one today my mom and I "this is your life and you need to learn to deal with it" in response my pain level.
This was the best decision we ever made in my medical treatment! I moved on to an RE who is in our town and specializes in endo! What an amazing blessing this man has been. I have been seeing him since May of 2005 and he has honestly saved my life. He is a man with a plan which I love ( I always plan and want to have a plan for any situation). There have been some rough times with the endo and many different treatments including physical therapy, surgery, and plenty of medications, but never have I doubted my doctor or his plan for me.
The goal from very early on has to be allow me to one day try to have a child. Naturally has always been the goal, but my husband and I have always been open to medical intervention (just have hoped we would never need it). A year ago we were beginning to feel like we were ready to begin our family. He has a great job and financially we were as ready as we would be for a while. During my annual appointment with my RE I mentioned to him I did not think I wanted any more birth control. He was elated at this idea! It was so great to see him so excited for us. Following my exam and more questions he said that my body "was in the best shape he had ever seen it in" and saw no reason we should not try to have a baby!!!! We talked about how this was what we had been working towards since 2005 and he agreed we had done everything we could to get to this point. He said he would only give us one year of trying on our own before he used medical intervention to help us out.
We had the finally stamp of approval that we needed or so we thought. He wanted me to have one cycle before we actually "tried" to get pregnant. This was the first long month of many more to come.
For the most part the first year was very unexciting:
-One ultrasound in February when I had some random bleeding. Turned out to be ovulation bleeding!
-Most cycles were 28-30 days for the first 6 months
-I did a great job for the first 6-7 months of not tracking my cycles or trying to detect ovulation (temping OPK etc)
-I kept hoping it would just happen (friends would probably say I was really really hoping it would just happen!)
Around June of this year I started to get worried that it was going to be the long process I had dreaded for years. August came and I had the weirdest period very abnormal. My doctor's office was concerned I was miscarrying, which was heartbreaking but encouraging at the same time (meant everything was working). Turned out I was not. September was another weird month with a 45 day cycle! My doctor scheduled an appointment for us this month and indicated he thought IUI with injectables was our best option. This was exactly what we had expected him to say and we were ready to move forward! We were to start the process as soon as my cycle ended (around the end of October possibly). All we had to do was the semen analysis for my hubby. We were not worried about it, why should we be? He provided his sample and we went on planning for the IUI. Then our nurse called a week later. The results were heartbreaking. His count was boarder lined, his motility and shape were both very low (she did not give numbers). The results were so bad our RE cancelled our IUI. This was the most devastating part of this journey so far. We were so close to moving forward and then all of a sudden we were moving backwards. We are now waiting for his next around of tests which should happen in about 2 weeks. Depending on the result we will either move forward with IUI (if the results are good!) or visit a male infertility specialist. The good news is our RE has says even with the results were are still excellent candidates for IVF.
I plan to use this blog to keep track of where we have been, where we are, and where we are headed. Feel free to join us on our journey to having our on Baby Gator!
This was the best decision we ever made in my medical treatment! I moved on to an RE who is in our town and specializes in endo! What an amazing blessing this man has been. I have been seeing him since May of 2005 and he has honestly saved my life. He is a man with a plan which I love ( I always plan and want to have a plan for any situation). There have been some rough times with the endo and many different treatments including physical therapy, surgery, and plenty of medications, but never have I doubted my doctor or his plan for me.
The goal from very early on has to be allow me to one day try to have a child. Naturally has always been the goal, but my husband and I have always been open to medical intervention (just have hoped we would never need it). A year ago we were beginning to feel like we were ready to begin our family. He has a great job and financially we were as ready as we would be for a while. During my annual appointment with my RE I mentioned to him I did not think I wanted any more birth control. He was elated at this idea! It was so great to see him so excited for us. Following my exam and more questions he said that my body "was in the best shape he had ever seen it in" and saw no reason we should not try to have a baby!!!! We talked about how this was what we had been working towards since 2005 and he agreed we had done everything we could to get to this point. He said he would only give us one year of trying on our own before he used medical intervention to help us out.
We had the finally stamp of approval that we needed or so we thought. He wanted me to have one cycle before we actually "tried" to get pregnant. This was the first long month of many more to come.
For the most part the first year was very unexciting:
-One ultrasound in February when I had some random bleeding. Turned out to be ovulation bleeding!
-Most cycles were 28-30 days for the first 6 months
-I did a great job for the first 6-7 months of not tracking my cycles or trying to detect ovulation (temping OPK etc)
-I kept hoping it would just happen (friends would probably say I was really really hoping it would just happen!)
Around June of this year I started to get worried that it was going to be the long process I had dreaded for years. August came and I had the weirdest period very abnormal. My doctor's office was concerned I was miscarrying, which was heartbreaking but encouraging at the same time (meant everything was working). Turned out I was not. September was another weird month with a 45 day cycle! My doctor scheduled an appointment for us this month and indicated he thought IUI with injectables was our best option. This was exactly what we had expected him to say and we were ready to move forward! We were to start the process as soon as my cycle ended (around the end of October possibly). All we had to do was the semen analysis for my hubby. We were not worried about it, why should we be? He provided his sample and we went on planning for the IUI. Then our nurse called a week later. The results were heartbreaking. His count was boarder lined, his motility and shape were both very low (she did not give numbers). The results were so bad our RE cancelled our IUI. This was the most devastating part of this journey so far. We were so close to moving forward and then all of a sudden we were moving backwards. We are now waiting for his next around of tests which should happen in about 2 weeks. Depending on the result we will either move forward with IUI (if the results are good!) or visit a male infertility specialist. The good news is our RE has says even with the results were are still excellent candidates for IVF.
I plan to use this blog to keep track of where we have been, where we are, and where we are headed. Feel free to join us on our journey to having our on Baby Gator!
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