Tuesday, June 25, 2013

22 weeks

I want this post to be about being pregnant not about CDH. I do have a lot to say right about CDH and have a ton of emotions but I really want to document this pregnancy as well!

As of Monday I am 22 weeks pregnant!! I honestly can't believe it.  First I still can't believe I am pregnant! I know it has been 22 weeks, but when you have in your head for YEARS that you may never ever get pregnant then you do it is really hard to believe.  I really struggle with believing it at times.  While I have always wanted to be pregnant, no literally there is a video of my best friend and I at about 4 years old saying all we want to be when we grow up is a mommy, I have not enjoyed this pregnancy as much as I thought I would.  That being said it has not been the easiest with the downs scare and the CDH diagnosis, and the never ending bleeding (ok 16 weeks worth but it felt like it was never going to end).  Oh and how could I not mention the being sick almost everyday (sometimes twice a day) for 22 weeks!  I think if I could stop getting sick I would be a much happier person, but then again who wouldn't be. 

I am really trying to start to enjoy this pregnancy. I realized this past week that in reality this may be my only pregnancy. I am not going to say he will be our only child, because I firmly believe we will bring another child into our home regardless.  Just because IVF worked the first time for us does not mean it will ever work again. While I hope and pray it will work again in reality it may never work again.  I am only getting old and DP's sperm are not getting any better!  Because of this realization I am really trying to enjoy this pregnancy despite all of the difficult times we have had. 

One other area I am really struggling with is gaining weight!  At 21 weeks I finally got back to pre-IVF weight (I was down about 8-9 pounds at one point). It honestly took so much work to get back to 134.   Now that I am back to that I have hit a wall.  For many years I struggled with disordered eating (it is basically eating disordered without being diagnosed by a professional).  I study these behaviors now and I know at the time I had a problem, but in the last few years I have known without a doubt I had a problem.  When DP gave me my engagement ring June of 2008 I promised to never make myself throw up again. I have kept this promise for over 5 years!  I have also down a great job of not restricting my diet or limiting my caloric intake. The main area I have still struggled with is over exercising.  Since January I have not been allowed to step foot into the gym (IVF first then pregnancy complications)! This has been the longest in my life I have not worked out and honestly it is killing me! So in addition to wanting me to gain weight I am not allowed to work out! My best friend, who struggled as well, was reminding me last night that she struggled with gaining weight when she was pregnant at first.  The weight came right off of her and now she actually weighs less than she did before she had her first (she has 3!).  This past week I did not gain a pound! So I am 22 weeks pregnant and have not gained a pound.  Baby boy is measuring great and I am showing, a tiny belly but still showing.  I am making an effort to eat more and gain weight.  I am drinking protein shakes 1-2 times a day and have added more protein to my diet in general.  I am a healthy eater in general so it has been a change in thinking to eat ice cream (I know it is crazy but true!).  But I am working really hard to gain weight for this little boy who has already stolen my heart.  Please be in prayer for me as I try to wrap my head around weighing more than I have ever by a ton (134 is actually high for me, my RE made me gain weight).  I want to do this but it is just a struggle. 

I love feeling this little boy move! At work sometimes I almost forget I am pregnant (terrible I know!) then he all of a sudden starts moving like crazy saying hey mommy remember I am here!!!! I love these moments and I just stop what I am doing and enjoy him and pray for him.  He is such a special little boy to me who has fought so hard to stay with us.  I can't wait to meet him and love him.  Until then I am going to continue to fight to gain weight for HIM and to pray for him. 

Thank you all for your support and prayers I truly am blessed by each of you!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Peds Cardiologist Appointment

Another day, another appointment.  We met with the pediatric cardiologist this morning to see how our little guy's heart looks. First he absolutely has CDH there is no question.

Let me know say first that I am not one to complain about doctors, I understand they have a difficult job when it comes to talking to parents about their baby who is sick, but I am sorry the doctors we saw today I am not a fan of!  There was an ultrasound tech who honestly needs to work on hiding her facial expressions when she is working and not saying things like"humm" or "not good"!!!! Then when I would ask her she would say oh nothing!  Seriously! You are looking at my son's heart and your face says something is wrong but you wont say a word to me!  Then there was a fellow in the room. I understand that we are at a teaching hospital and this is one reason we had originally decided to use Shands. I feel that teaching hospitals are extremely important and I think about how I am a student who has to learn someway and if these doctors don't learn now then when they are on their own they will be lost.  All of the other residents or fellows or even med students I have worked with sine 2004 have been great!  Today I did not like this guy! He was just as bad as the tech.  When I finally ask him straight up what he was seeing he says "we have a long ways to go with this scan"!!!! Seriously!!!!!! I know that but that doesn't mean you can't tell me what you have seen so far.  At this point I literally start to cry while I am laying there.  Since we are in the peds unit they have a TV in the room and it is playing Finding Nemo (great movie) I literally stop paying attention to them and just watch the movie for a while.  Our little guy was moving nonstop and I could feel him and I loved being able to watch him and feel him at the same time, but they were seriously ruining it.  They never once showed us his face!!!! I know it was an appointment to look at is heart but seriously what would it have hurt them to let us see our little guy?? We are going through hell with all of these appointments and unknown and just seeing his sweet little face really helps.  Then the main doctor comes in, and I already knew this but she was really young!  Yes I know I am young too but she has been doing this like 3 years.  I was kind of thinking ok good she is young she will be sweet and understanding etc! Wrong again!  Did not like her anymore than the other two.  She did the same thing as well with the "humm" comments.  Finally after 2 hours of ultrasound where they have given us no results they ask me to get dressed and us go talk in a room.  Let's just say I was not looking forward to this part at all: rooms for a chat have not previously ended well for us!

With a lot of babies with CDH their hearts do not develop properly because of the additional organs in the chest cavity.  I have been very nervous about this appointment because if his heart is not developing or functioning correctly it just going to make his recovery a lot worse and his chances of survival decrease.  We go into a room with the Dr., fellow, and the tech and they are like hold on and leave to go get another nurse! Again previous experience says this is bad news!  Then the head doctor says "are we ready?" Seriously!!!!  The fellow then says "so everything seems normal at this point!!!!"  While I was beyond elated to hear this I wanted to just yell at them say what the heck could you not have said this over 2 hours ago!!!!!  Then he proceeds to say but that doesn't mean it will be in a few weeks.  He gets really negative at this point and says that as the other organs develop and grow his heart may not continue to develop and function properly.  Then he says that on any fetal echo they can't see everything but that doesn't mean they are good or bad it is just a fact.  So while he told us that everything looks "normal" at this point he was not reassuring in anyway!  I understand they don't want us to get our hopes up and think that everything is going to be fine when he is born and then it goes worse when he is developing but they could have been a little bit positive!

They scheduled us for another appointment at 28 weeks to see how his heart looks then.  Let's just say I am not excited at all for this appointment.  We actually know the chief of peds cardio at the hospital and I am really considering trying to get into him.  He has a bland personality and I would imagine his bedside manner isn't much better but hey he is the best at Shands and has probably done this almost as long as she has been alive!  He has earned the right to not have a great bedside manner and if I am going to deal with someone without a great bedside manner they better be darn good!  She and her team just had crappy bedside manner with very little experience not a good combination in my book! 

Enough venting about them for now time to focus on our little guy again!  He is very active and his little heart looks great at this point and that is a worth a PRAISE GOD!  Please continue to pray for our little guy specifically for his heart, lungs, and that his liver will not be in his chest cavity (it makes everything worse all around). 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Big Step

Ok so maybe for people who don't struggle to get pregnant it's not a big step, but for those of us who do struggle it is: we announced on facebook we are going to have a baby!  Is it weird that I now feel like it is a little more real??  People I see everyday know and most of close friends know, so it's not like it was a complete secret still.  I want to say no going back now but haha there was no going back way before this nor do I want to go back! 

Monday, June 10, 2013

20 weeks!

Eeeeekkk I can't believe I am 20 weeks today! Halfway there! Well apparently I will be induced around 38 weeks, so last week would have been halfway there but either way we are getting there.  No real update on the CDH condition.  We were suppose to have an appointment tomorrow with the specialist, Dr. David Kays but he canceled it today.  He canceled because we have an appointment with the peds cardiologist next Wednesday and then an ultrasound July 17 where they can do the head to lung ratio (he will be big enough then).  He wants these results first.  Basically we could still meet with him tomorrow but he could not tell us much about his plan until after these two other appointments.  That being said I am glad we are waiting despite the fact I really want to meet him and start developing a plan.  My OB (OK I now have 3 OB's, 2 high risk and my original) Dr. RR said last week that everything is going to planned out down the minute of his birth through induction! I am pretty sure I have mentioned this before but I love planning! It makes me feel great to have a plan and I can't wait to get the details of the plan.  We go to see Dr. RR on Wednesday so I am interested to see what else she has to say.

What else beside CDH is going on!
-I officially weigh less than I did this time last year and I am 20 weeks pregnant! What the heck!?!?!?!  I am still sick, but I feel like I eat all the time! Hubby says I am eating too healthy which I probably am but in 4 days I ate 2 big bags of chips and still lost weight! I give up!
- I am losing weight but nothing fits!  OK so hate me, I was a size 2 when I got pregnant and I like my clothes to fit, not to be loose on me.  So needless to say nothing fits!  I bought 3 pairs of shorts, 1 pair of pants, and 1 skirt and I love them! I have several shirts as well, because most of shirts are too short with my growing belly and boobs to cover the belly band or maternity waist. 
-I am having contractions off and on but Dr. RR says it is normal it just freaks me out.
-He moves all the time and I love it!!!! Today I felt him on the outside for the first time, but of course he doesn't want to move when his daddy is around! Loving every minute of it. 
-I am craving normal things for me!  Fruit, chips, mac and cheese, all of my usual favorites.  The only weird thing so far is frozen pizza!

I will update again as soon as there is something else to update on! Thanks for the prayers!