Church

We went back to church yesterday for the first time since Jackson was born.  A  lot of people may wonder why we haven't been back before yesterday.  It has absolutely nothing to do with us being angry with God.  I know that anger is a normal part of grief, and while we experienced it a little bit we were never angry at God.  We truly believe that God had an amazing purpose for Jackson's life and everyday we are being shown just how special our little guy was and how his purpose is long from over.  So we did not miss church because we were mad or angry. 

We attend First Baptist Church, which is the church I grew up in for the most part and the church where we were married.  There are so many things about our church that I love, and of course plenty of things I don't like.  One of the things I love is that so many members of the church have been in my life since I was in elementary school.  Some of them are like grandparents to me, others parents, and even others siblings.  The support they have shown for me for over 20 years has been amazing.  They have supported DP and I during our marriage and through infertility (those who knew of course).  We had so many visitors from the church to the hospital before Jackson was born.  After he was born they made so  much food for us and our families and it was an amazing blessing.  The number of cards they have sent exceeds 50 for sure. 

So why have we not been back to church until yesterday?  For that exact reason: they are like family.  It is so hard to hear I am sorry.  It is so hard to have people hug us and express their sympathy.  I love them all and love that they care, but I am honestly exhausted.  I am exhausted from the caring, which sounds horrible I know.  Those closest to me that I see every week have found a way to return to normal around me, but still be understanding that I have bad days still.  I felt that going to church and seeing people for the first time was something I would rather just skip over. 

Well yesterday one of girlfriends from church was preaching.  I really wanted to support her, so we decided to go. Let me preface by saying she and her husband lost their 3rd child at about 14 weeks so she does understand loss of a child.   We would get there late and sit in the back and leave early.  Sounds easy enough right? Wrong!  We got there right at the greeting.  We did manage to sit in the back and leave early, but not without being notice by far too many people.  Oh and guess what I forgot to do?  Look to see what my friend was preaching on!   Well the scripture was Jeremiah 1: 4-10. If you are like me you don't know that verse off the top of your head (I do now!)

The word of the Lord came to me, saying,

⁵ “Before I formed you in the womb I knew^[a] you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

⁶ “Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

⁷ But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. ⁸ Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

⁹ Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth. ¹⁰ See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”

Yep that was the scripture that was used for the first sermon that I hear after Jackson's short time on earth!  Let's just say I lost it during the children's sermon when the scripture was first read. I ended up having to walk out and regroup and then come back in.  I did recover nicely and did not cry at all during the sermon (crying is ok don't get me wrong, but I hate crying in public and it really irritates me when I do).  At first I was irritated that God would put me in this position. That He would bring me to church on this day to hear this scripture.  But then I realized that He did it on purpose (as always!).  He wanted me to hear Melissa preach and to hear what she had to say.  She talked about how each child has a specific purpose from God.  That this verse tells us that not only does God have a plan for each child, but that He has His plan long before we even think about that child.  God has been planning each child's future and their path long before we were.  He knows every hair on their heads and He knows everything there is to possibly know about them.  He knows this about each and everyone of us.  As she said He knows this about every child who lives and who dies.  How amazing is it to think that God has this huge plan and knows each of us and other children before they are even formed in our wombs? I have of course read this scripture plenty of times, but I heard it, I mean really heard it for the first time yesterday.  As always God continues to have a purpose in everything that happens.  He had such an amazing purpose in having Melissa preach yesterday and for me sitting in the back to hear it. 

Even when I want to get annoyed at God, He makes it so I can't because He continues to show me that He has an amazing plan for DP, me, and our children who have not even been formed in a womb (mine or a birth mothers) yet.  Praise God for this!  I know so many of you are still in the trenches of infertility, but please take heart in knowing that God has it all under control.  That God knows your child/children already.  He knows the number of hairs on their heads.  He is just waiting for His perfect timing to introduce us.  When His timing is perfect it will happen and it will be the most amazing moment ever.