Friday, September 6, 2013

So many thoughts so little time

I have so any blogs I want to write.  I have a tendency to think of all these things I want to say while I am driving and clearly can't post.  I have been working my butt of trying to get some of my research articles published (way easier said than done). This is my last year in my PhD program and job applications are starting to be due for next August so I really want to make my vita as robust as possible. 

With all the school stuff going on, trying to finish my dissertation, writing journal articles, teaching almost 400 students this semester, and working on a grant I have been feeling a little overwhelmed.  All of that has really helped me to feel more like myself.  I love what I do at school. I love doing research and teaching. Spending time with students makes my day! I am looking forward to getting a tenure track position (sometime in the next few years for sure).

With everything going on I haven't really been focusing on Jackson. Of course this makes me feel bad. I of course still miss him, but I am really feeling this peace about it all. I don't cry very often anymore. I can talk about him, what he looked like, what I know about him, all about his conditions without shedding a tear. I think I will always miss him, but I know this was God's plan for him and for us.  

So now what?  I am conflicted but honestly it's not because of why you think. I am conflicted because of my career. I know there is no perfect time to become a mom and I know that there is no guarantee that I can get pregnant again, but is this next year a good time???  I mean I am suppose to be graduating with my PhD and beginning my career that I have worked for since I graduated high school 9 years ago. Well we have a plan: there will be no planning. DP has says we are not making an plans based on what ifs. We are meeting with our RE on Sept 20 (2 weeks from today eekkk!!!) and whatever he suggest we are going to do. We are completely open to doing an FET in the next few months or if he thinks we should wait we will wait.  

We have realized that while we are planners by nature, God is the ultimate planner and the only one who's plans matter. If I happen to be pregnant and due at the beginning of the next school year we will deal with that when it happens. If I am not then we will deal with that when it happens. This is a huge deal for me! I plan everything and have a what if plan for absolutely everything. Well I am really trying to allow God to be the planner and me to simply follow His lead. I can't wait for our appointment in two weeks and am trusting God in the decision we will make. 

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