New Normal

I am trying to find my new normal.  I am not exactly sure what it is or what it looks like but I am trying.  I am back at work on campus 2 days a week (like before) and am working on my dissertation the other 3 days a week at home/Starbucks.  We are going to the gym fairly regularly.  We have been going to dinner with friends often and out for drink on the weekends.  My life from the outside looks like it is back to normal, but the inside I feel like I am just going through the motions.  I don't want my life to go back to normal.  I want my life to change.  I want to be pregnant still.  I don't want to be able to drink or workout.  But apparently this is my life for now. 

It has been just over a month since Jackson was born and passed away.  I don't cry as often as I did which at times makes me sad.  I feel like I am moving on which I know is importantly but I don't want to in someways.  I don't want to forget Jackson, I know I will not ever really forget him. 

All of that being said I want to try again.  I really truely do.  I want a second child. I have always wanted more than one child and I still do.  I have always wanted to bring a child home and I still want to.  We talked to my OB about trying again a couple of weeks ago and she feel likes we can probably try again in about 3 months.  We are going back to my RE in October to see what he has to say.  One positive thing is that we have 4 frozen embries so we would not have to go through a fresh cycle (praise God!).  There are about a hundred steps we need to get through between now and trying again, but it is my focus right now.  I am just focusing on October and the possiblity of being pregnant again sometime this year.  Yes I did not love being pregnant (probably because I was so sick everyday!), but I want to be pregnant again soon.  My friend who lost her little girl at 24 weeks, was able to get pregant 3 months after and said it really was the biggest blessing ever.  Her little boy is amazing and as she points out she would not have him if their little girl had lived.  I want to meet our rainbow baby who would not otherwise be here.