Roller Coaster Day

Today has been such a roller coaster day that I don't even know where to start.  I guess the beginning is as good of a place as any. Woke up this morning and I was bleeding more than I had been the last few days. I started spotting on Friday, but I wasn't positive it was my period since I also have a yeast infection (yuck!). I got ready because I had to go to my OB appointment.  I love my OB, she is beyond amazing, but I really hate going now.  DP could not go today, so I was on my own.  When I got there, several pregnant women were in front of me whining about feeling miserable etc.  It took every bit strength I had not to yell at them and tell them that if they thought they were miserable they should try my life!  Only through the grace of God did I not say anything to them.  Finally it was my turn, and I was checking in when I saw my ultrasound tech.  Now we had so many ultrasounds and I always requested the same lady, who I love to death.  Well she ask me if I was here to see her today.  I almost lost it.  I knew she did not know and simply meant nothing by it.  I told her what happened and she came around the counter and gave me a huge hug and said she was so sorry.  I was not mad at her at all, she would have had no way of knowing. 

Finally I went back with the nurse we have had the whole pregnancy and had 3 weeks ago at my last appointment.  When we got to the room she was asking normal questions: vaginal delivery or c-section, blood pressure, temperature, etc. Then she ask if I was breast feeding!!! I almost bust out into tears.  I told her he did not make it.  She felt horrible, said sorry and quickly left. At this point I just wanted to leave. I wanted to run as far a way as possible from this stupid office.  I started texting my best friend and that really helped and she reminded me that I love my OB and she would in soon.  My OB came in and could tell something was wrong. My ultrasound tech had talked to her and felt so bad. When I told her about her nurse I seriously thought she was going to loose it! Now my OB is not even 5' but I could be scared of her mad!  She assured me that would not happen again.  I am sure it will not happen to me ask or another lady with that nurse. 

We went through the normal post-paradom check-up things and everything is good.  Then I ask her to check on the autopsy and genetic reports.  They were in! My heart was racing as she was opening them.  Inside these reports would lie the truth about my little man.  First thing we read was the genetic report.  Now I have to say I almost have a PhD and she has an MD and both of us had no idea what some of the words were on this report! Needless to say we are going to see Dr. Gregg to have him explain everything to us in a few weeks, but the overall results indicate that he had not genetic abnormalities!  This is a huge blessing!  The only thing they showed was something on chromosome 7, which as it turns out is the cancer gene.  So that has nothing to do with anything really.

Next was the autopsy report.  This would tell if he really had CDH and if he had anything else major.  Well he not only had CDH, but he had a very serious case of CDH.  His left diaphragm was basically nonexistent and his liver was involved.  His case of CDH was very serious and even at full-term might have been fatal.  He would have needed a lot of life saving procedures, which could not have been performed until at least 34 weeks.  The report also found that his trachea and esophagus were fused.  We did not know this prior to today.  I still don't know a lot about it, but the kind he had could have been fatal as well and even at full-term would have been a very serious medical condition.  The combination of these two abnormalities even at full-term would have probably been fatal. 

In a weird way these makes me feel better.  As my OB said she feels like God knew if Jackson lived until we could meet him and learn everything about him in order to help others that we would do what was best for everyone, but that He did not want to put me through 40 weeks of pregnancy just for this outcome.  I think she is right. It is easy to say sometimes and not mean it but God really does have it all planned out and does know what is best for us.  Trusting Him can be hard, but when we do amazing things happen!

My OB released me back to my RE and we will go see him in 7 weeks!  I just need to set up the appointment.  I can't wait to see what he has to say and move forward with bring home a baby. 

After I left my appointment I headed to campus.  I met up with one of my best friends to head to Starbucks before our long never-ending orientation!  We talked about Jackson and the results and it was great sharing with her.  Then she dropped a bomb on me: She is pregnant!!! Now I knew she was trying so it was not a huge shock, but she has only been trying 2 months!  She was by my side the entire IVF process and the last 5 weeks.  I was and still am so excited for her.  I would never wish anything I have been through on anyone.  I had made her promise a few weeks ago that she would still tell me, so I am so glad she did.  Today I am happy for her and am planning to make her a care package full of stuff she will need.  I pray I will continue to be happy for her as the weeks continue.