Crossroads

I had the wonderful opportunity to talk with the wife of a guy from work with this week, as they had also lost their first child at 24 weeks.  They are a great couple that we have hung out with them a couple times, but she and I had never sat down and really talked just the two of us before. It was so great and helpful.  She made me feel like everything I am feeling and experiencing is normal and not to worry about what other people think.   We had so much in common about how we felt in the weeks following our losses. 

She said a ton of really great things, but one thing that really stuck with me.  She mentioned that right now I am at a crossroad in life.  My life course has changed from the path I was on 4 weeks ago.  But I now have two options of a path to take.  I can either choose path A: this path is one in which I let this moment define me in a negative manner. I can sit back and feel bad for us about what happened.  I can be angry and just upset about everything.  Or I can take path B: where I take this experience and learn from it. I allow God to use this opportunity for the better and grow as a result of this.  She said that either way my life as I know it has changed, its just up to me how I allow God to use this experience.  She said to think about when I am 60 years old and I look back at the year I was 27, how do I want to remember that year?  Do I want it to be a year of regrets or a year full of positivity and a year I really grew for the better from? 

This really struck a cord with me.  I feel like I know so many women who have either miscarriages or infant losses who allow themselves to be defined by these experiences.  While this experience can still define me in a way, I want it to define me for the better.  I want to look back on this year and be proud of who I was this year and who I became as a result of this year.  I want Jackson to be proud of who he made me become.  Not only did he make me a mom (for which I will forever be grateful) but I want him to make me a stronger women and a better person in general.  I choose to make this a positive experience in my life.  I choose to not allow this experience to get me down or make me a negative person.

Fertility problems by themselves can change us.  So what do you choose?  How will you allow this experience to change you?  It is up to you if you want it be a positive change or a negative change, either way it is going to change you.