I wish...

I wish a lot of things lately, but given the current situation I wish I didn't want anymore kids.  I know that probably sounds horrible, but it's true.  I wish I know longer desired to have more kids.  I wish my heart did not long for a child at home.  I wish my arms did not physically ache for a child to hold.  I wish I could just be satisfied having my little boy in heaven and with my amazing, loving husband.  I wish my job was enough to keep me busy so I would not want to have another child.

But I do!  I want to bring home a baby so much worse than I ever imagined possible.  This time last year I had never been pregnant.  I was getting frustrated that we had been trying for almost a year and while I knew it was very likely that we would need IVF (due to the endometriosis) I still was frustrated that I could not get pregnant.  I thought I really wanted to have a baby. I thought I really wanted our lives to change.  I thought I longed for child.  But I had no idea! 

Now I physically ache.  Now I am a mom, just as I have always wanted to be.  Now I have held my dream only to have it taken away from me 2 hours later.  I just want to be a mom to a child at home.  Right now I am a mom with no child at home to love, to care for, to nature.  I thought not being a mom was the worst feeling ever, but boy was I wrong.  The worst feeling ever is to be a mom with empty arms. 

So what do I do now?  Do I try again to make my dream come true with a FET?  Do I adopt one of the million of children who need a home?  Do I try to push this feeling away and pray it goes away?  Do I continue to physically ache for a child? 

I wish so many things...