Tuesday, August 6, 2013

I wish...

I wish a lot of things lately, but given the current situation I wish I didn't want anymore kids.  I know that probably sounds horrible, but it's true.  I wish I know longer desired to have more kids.  I wish my heart did not long for a child at home.  I wish my arms did not physically ache for a child to hold.  I wish I could just be satisfied having my little boy in heaven and with my amazing, loving husband.  I wish my job was enough to keep me busy so I would not want to have another child.

But I do!  I want to bring home a baby so much worse than I ever imagined possible.  This time last year I had never been pregnant.  I was getting frustrated that we had been trying for almost a year and while I knew it was very likely that we would need IVF (due to the endometriosis) I still was frustrated that I could not get pregnant.  I thought I really wanted to have a baby. I thought I really wanted our lives to change.  I thought I longed for child.  But I had no idea! 

Now I physically ache.  Now I am a mom, just as I have always wanted to be.  Now I have held my dream only to have it taken away from me 2 hours later.  I just want to be a mom to a child at home.  Right now I am a mom with no child at home to love, to care for, to nature.  I thought not being a mom was the worst feeling ever, but boy was I wrong.  The worst feeling ever is to be a mom with empty arms. 

So what do I do now?  Do I try again to make my dream come true with a FET?  Do I adopt one of the million of children who need a home?  Do I try to push this feeling away and pray it goes away?  Do I continue to physically ache for a child? 

I wish so many things...


  1. I'm so sorry hon. I can only imagine how much stronger the desire for a child is after you've actually held your son. Add in all the hormones from the pregnancy and delivery and I imagine it's absolutely the most back breaking, soul crushing ache ever. I'm so, so sorry.

    I will say this though, absolutely no one will judge you or think ill of you for wanting another child... it's not a replacement of Jackson, so don't ever look at it that way. When you're ready, you'll know, or at least have a feel for which direction to go.

    Hang in there sweet lady! I'm praying for you!

  2. Thinking about you sweet friend!!! Praying for you, for comfort in this time. That you can just be still and know God is with you every second of the day.