I wish a lot of things lately, but given the current situation I wish I didn't want anymore kids. I know that probably sounds horrible, but it's true. I wish I know longer desired to have more kids. I wish my heart did not long for a child at home. I wish my arms did not physically ache for a child to hold. I wish I could just be satisfied having my little boy in heaven and with my amazing, loving husband. I wish my job was enough to keep me busy so I would not want to have another child.
But I do! I want to bring home a baby so much worse than I ever imagined possible. This time last year I had never been pregnant. I was getting frustrated that we had been trying for almost a year and while I knew it was very likely that we would need IVF (due to the endometriosis) I still was frustrated that I could not get pregnant. I thought I really wanted to have a baby. I thought I really wanted our lives to change. I thought I longed for child. But I had no idea!
Now I physically ache. Now I am a mom, just as I have always wanted to be. Now I have held my dream only to have it taken away from me 2 hours later. I just want to be a mom to a child at home. Right now I am a mom with no child at home to love, to care for, to nature. I thought not being a mom was the worst feeling ever, but boy was I wrong. The worst feeling ever is to be a mom with empty arms.
So what do I do now? Do I try again to make my dream come true with a FET? Do I adopt one of the million of children who need a home? Do I try to push this feeling away and pray it goes away? Do I continue to physically ache for a child?
I wish so many things...