So why did this happen to us? Why did this happen to little Jax? These are all questions that we ask are beg God to answer for us. While I may not know all of these answer and they may just be answers that sound good in my head I have some answers. (Please do not give me a theology lecture as my dad tried to do several months ago regarding God's plan. These are my answers for now that I need to believe are true).
Here is my number one answer as to why this happened to us: Because God knew we would use this experience in a way that would benefit others in the future. Here is what I mean. Jackson had CDH, which is one of the most deadly birth defects among babies in the US. CDH is not a birth defect that many people know about, and babies die of the defect without parents ever knowing the cause of death. The biggest problem is that parents are not allowing doctors to understand the cause of the birth defect. One of two things is happening: either the baby survives and the parents say sweet that is over and behind us and move forward, never allowing doctors to conduct genetic testing on themselves or their child. Or the child passes and the parents just want to be done with the whole situation and do not allow an autopsy or other testing done to further the understanding of CDH. This is where we believe we come in. God knew that we would allow doctors to try and gain additional knowledge from the three of us regarding CDH. J
Jackson, like all of us, has a purpose in this world. His purpose we firmly believe is to increase the knowledge of CDH. Wouldn't it be great if we were all so lucky as to be able to easily identify our purpose in this world?? I believe that Jackson has several other purposes in this world as well. It is through him that I have truly been able to experience a love for my husband that I really never knew was possible. Hard times, like this, can either drive a marriage apart or bring it closer together. My husband has been my best friend for years, he has been my rock, but honestly until this last week I am not sure I ever knew how much I loved him. I have been in love with him for almost 9 years, but this last week my love for him has been so extraordinary that the word love doesn't hardly seem like enough. We have prayed together and cried together. We have even laughed together this past week even went it felt impossible.
Ok I got a little off track of what I was saying. Jackson's purpose: I think later in life if/when we have other children either of our own or through adoption it will be because of Jackson and what he has taught us that I will truly be able to appreciate them and love them and never take a moment with them for granted. I will want to tell them about their big brother who is in heaven looking over them. I will teach them about CDH and encourage them to support the continued research. I will teach them to never taken anything in life for granted, because nothing in life is guaranteed.
So why did God give us a child to simply take him away 2 hours later? Why did He allow us to go through IVF and for it to work the first time to just take it away? Because He knew our love for each other and for Him was strong enough and that we would make sure that through Jackson other children and families will be saved the suffering we have experienced. God' plan for Jackson was never for him to come with us, but for him to go home to heaven. Jackson's purpose on this earth was so great in 2 hours and served an amazing purpose that I honestly can only pray I am able to serve a purpose as great in my lifetime.
Just take time to think about your purpose in life. Are you working towards God's purpose in your life? I know my goal in life is to achieve God's purpose for me just as I know Jackson Dean has.
Please do not mistake this as me not missing my little boy. I miss him with every fiber of my being, but I have peace knowing he had a purpose and we have allowed God's purpose to prevail.