How does I even write this blog? No one should ever have to write these words. Our son, Jackson Dean, was born on Tuesday July 16, 2013 and passed away in the early morning hours of Wednesday July 17, 2013. He was absolutely perfect. Everything happened so fast that I am not even sure still what happened. One minute I was being taken off the monitors in preparation to be moved because we were both so stable and the next minute my contractions were minutes apart. I will probably write more of the details later as I do want to remember them. As much as it hurts to remember them I want to. I want to remember because they are a part of the time I got to spend with my oldest son.
So many bad things have happened. Yet I am trying, really trying to find some positives in light of the all the negative. Please don't judge me for anything I say because I am trying. So what is a positive: DP and I got to spend just over 2 hours with our little boy. We got to hold him. Kiss him. Tell him all about God and heaven and who he would see there. He prayed for him. Our pastor came in and prayed for him and baptized him. We took pictures with him. We laughed with him. We cried with him. We loved him.
While 2 hours does not seem like a long time to get to spend with your son (and it really isn't) it was so much longer than we expected to get to spend with him. When they brought him to me I figured we only had minutes. To have 2 hours gave me so much time to be able to tell him everything we wanted to. I am sure there will be things later I wish I had told him, but so far I really feel like I was able to tell him everything I wanted to tell him while he was in my arms.
Another positive: I did not have to have a c section. I am not against having a c section, I think they are wonderful and fully support them ( I need to post an article written by a friend about c sections at some point). I was willing to have a c section for sure if it would make a difference in his life or if my life was in danger. Fortunately my life was never in danger. We had been told that if I had a c section so early it would have possibly complicated the chances of fertility for me in the future and as we all know there are enough complications in that area to begin with (no idea if I want to get pregnant again or not just saying) so it is nice to have avoided this possible complication. My body did everything it was suppose to do in labor. I did not need stitches because he was so little. My uterus contracted back and did whatever the heck it was suppose to do. I never got an epidural, I did ask for me but he was born probably 10 minutes after I ask for me. Since I did not have one and my body did what it needed to do they were able to leave me alone to spend the 2 hours with my little boy. The only pain meds I ever got was one Ibuprofen right after he was born. I was not in any pain physically, but I am thankful that I did not have any pain meds in my body to make me feel drugged. I was able to completely focus on my little boy and husband and enjoy the time the three of us had. Now I will say that if I am ever pregnant again (again this is a big if right now) I will probably get the epidural. I had always been one of those crazy women who said I don't want one. I always thought I would just want to fight through it and said how bad could it be! Well my little boy was tiny and I can honestly say that I can't imagine what women go through when they have a natural delivery of a full-term baby! More power to you women!
Another positive: My milk is coming in. Ok so right now this is not a positive because there is nothing worse than having milk but no baby to feed. But here is why this is a positive. I had my boobs done several years ago. I did everything I could to make sure I could still breastfeed (under the muscle, incision below etc) but there is no guarantee that it would mean I could. Well apparently it worked. My milk has been coming in so again if I ever get pregnant again I should be able to breastfeed. I always wanted to be able to breastfeed and almost didn't get the surgery because I was afraid it would make it impossible. So for now, despite the pain and frustration that it is coming in now, I am taking it as a positive.
Another positive: Our little guy was so sick, but he is not in any pain anymore. He was so sick with the CDH and he was so little and early he would have been in so much pain here on earth. While I want more than anything for him to be here on earth with me that is selfish. It is selfish for me to want him to be in the NICU hooked up to monitors fighting for his life. He would be in so much pain. He more than likely would have never been able to be a happy little boy who was able to run and jump and play with other kids. Now he can be. He can be in heaven running, jumping, playing in the nursery our grandmothers decorated for him. He can be happy and in peace. Earth is so such a harsh world and he will never have to know physical pain here on earth. He will only ever know the love our heavenly Father. Isn't that what we all want as parents for children to never know pain and only know love? Our little boy gets to know that love forever and always.
I want to keep blogging and use this site as a way to express my feelings. I am not talking verbally very much right now. I only talk to DP and have text with my best friend a little bit, but for the most part I don't talk. I don't have anything verbally to say. I want to try and express myself through writing on this blog. Please feel free to read along, I understand if it is too difficult to read. Thank you all for your prayers through this time.
This isn't goodbye little boy, it's only see you later.