Tuesday, June 25, 2013

22 weeks

I want this post to be about being pregnant not about CDH. I do have a lot to say right about CDH and have a ton of emotions but I really want to document this pregnancy as well!

As of Monday I am 22 weeks pregnant!! I honestly can't believe it.  First I still can't believe I am pregnant! I know it has been 22 weeks, but when you have in your head for YEARS that you may never ever get pregnant then you do it is really hard to believe.  I really struggle with believing it at times.  While I have always wanted to be pregnant, no literally there is a video of my best friend and I at about 4 years old saying all we want to be when we grow up is a mommy, I have not enjoyed this pregnancy as much as I thought I would.  That being said it has not been the easiest with the downs scare and the CDH diagnosis, and the never ending bleeding (ok 16 weeks worth but it felt like it was never going to end).  Oh and how could I not mention the being sick almost everyday (sometimes twice a day) for 22 weeks!  I think if I could stop getting sick I would be a much happier person, but then again who wouldn't be. 

I am really trying to start to enjoy this pregnancy. I realized this past week that in reality this may be my only pregnancy. I am not going to say he will be our only child, because I firmly believe we will bring another child into our home regardless.  Just because IVF worked the first time for us does not mean it will ever work again. While I hope and pray it will work again in reality it may never work again.  I am only getting old and DP's sperm are not getting any better!  Because of this realization I am really trying to enjoy this pregnancy despite all of the difficult times we have had. 

One other area I am really struggling with is gaining weight!  At 21 weeks I finally got back to pre-IVF weight (I was down about 8-9 pounds at one point). It honestly took so much work to get back to 134.   Now that I am back to that I have hit a wall.  For many years I struggled with disordered eating (it is basically eating disordered without being diagnosed by a professional).  I study these behaviors now and I know at the time I had a problem, but in the last few years I have known without a doubt I had a problem.  When DP gave me my engagement ring June of 2008 I promised to never make myself throw up again. I have kept this promise for over 5 years!  I have also down a great job of not restricting my diet or limiting my caloric intake. The main area I have still struggled with is over exercising.  Since January I have not been allowed to step foot into the gym (IVF first then pregnancy complications)! This has been the longest in my life I have not worked out and honestly it is killing me! So in addition to wanting me to gain weight I am not allowed to work out! My best friend, who struggled as well, was reminding me last night that she struggled with gaining weight when she was pregnant at first.  The weight came right off of her and now she actually weighs less than she did before she had her first (she has 3!).  This past week I did not gain a pound! So I am 22 weeks pregnant and have not gained a pound.  Baby boy is measuring great and I am showing, a tiny belly but still showing.  I am making an effort to eat more and gain weight.  I am drinking protein shakes 1-2 times a day and have added more protein to my diet in general.  I am a healthy eater in general so it has been a change in thinking to eat ice cream (I know it is crazy but true!).  But I am working really hard to gain weight for this little boy who has already stolen my heart.  Please be in prayer for me as I try to wrap my head around weighing more than I have ever by a ton (134 is actually high for me, my RE made me gain weight).  I want to do this but it is just a struggle. 

I love feeling this little boy move! At work sometimes I almost forget I am pregnant (terrible I know!) then he all of a sudden starts moving like crazy saying hey mommy remember I am here!!!! I love these moments and I just stop what I am doing and enjoy him and pray for him.  He is such a special little boy to me who has fought so hard to stay with us.  I can't wait to meet him and love him.  Until then I am going to continue to fight to gain weight for HIM and to pray for him. 

Thank you all for your support and prayers I truly am blessed by each of you!

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