A new year and a new blog

This past Saturday was my 28th birthday (ahh) and it was really a great day.  We were in Missouri for the Gator football game, no need to talk about that one.  We got to spend the weekend with some of our closest friends and just enjoy life! 

Since I am starting a new year I really want to start a new blog.  This blog really feels like it belongs to Jackson.  In addition there are several other reasons for the blog change which I will share on the new blog.  I plan to still blog on here some, mainly regarding Jackson, but I really want to start a new chapter in my life.  That does not mean I will ever forget this past year, but I need to move forward some. 

I really hope each and everyone of you will follow me on the new blog!  If you want to please email me at carolinempurvis@gmail.com.

Hope to talk with you all soon!
Caroline

Capture Your Grief: Day 9. Music

Capture Your Grief: Day 9. Music

He Said by Group 1 Crew

If you have never heard this song I strongly recommend you stop and listen to it.  I mean really listen to the words.  When we started the treatment process, on my very first trip to the RE's office to meet DeWayne this song was on.  I turned it up and really felt this song was one I needed to hear and really listen to.  After that visit every single time I went to the RE's office for any appointment I played this song.  I played it on the way to retrieval, I played it on the way to transfer.  Every ultrasound appointment, nurses appointment, I played this song on my way in. The day we found out Jackson had CDH I listened to this song.  On the day my water broke, I did not play it (in a little bit of pain!), but I sang it over and over in my head.  I listened to it often in the hospital that week.  This song is God's promise to me.  It is His promise that He will never give me more than I can take, He may let me bend, but He will never let me break, and most of all He will never let me go! 

This song has been my rock for the past year and I know without a doubt that as many times as Jackson heard this song play and heard his mother try and sing, horribly granted, along with it that he knows every word to this song! This song will forever remind me of our journey this past year.  

There are several more songs that helped me get through this past year and hopefully one day soon I will post them as well. 

Here are the lyrics:

"He Said"
(feat. Chris August)

So your life feels like it don't make sense
And you think to yourself, "I'm a good person"
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?

You may be knocked down now
But don't forget what He said, He said:

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said

Who you are ain't what you're going through
So don't let it get the best of you
'Cause God knows everything you need,
So you ain't gotta worry

You may be knocked down now
But just believe what He said, He said:

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said:

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break..."

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said
Don't you forget what He said
Don't you forget what He said (I want give you more)
I want give you more
What He said

Capture Your Grief: Day 8. Color

Capture Your Grief: Day 8. Color

 

Fabric selected for Jackson's Bedding

 

I have had colors picked out for a baby boy or girl for years! For a boy I have always loved blue and brown.  I just think it is so simple, but classy.  My mom and I had picked out this fabric for his cradle bedding.  She had made the sheet, but that was all.  I don't know what I will do with the sheet now, but I will always think of blue and brown with Jackson.  My parents bought blue flowers for the top of his casket as well.  Blue is my favorite color for sure, so I like to think it would have been his as well.  



Capture Your Grief: Day 7. You Now

Capture Your Grief: Day 7. You Now

 

 

Right now I am really focusing on getting myself in a good place physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I love the gym and I have always felt more like myself when I am working out. I really struggled with not being able to work out while I was pregnant and I loved being back at the gym. One of my good friends has been amazing and is working out with me. I love our time at the gym together and I love the support she shows me. When I am at the gym I feel like myself again.

Capture Your Grief: Day 6. Ritual

 

Capture Your Grief: Day 6. Ritual

 

 Before we tried to got pregnant with Jackson, my faith was strong so I thought. Today, I strongly believe that my faith is stronger than it has ever been. I am reading so many great books about faith, pregnancy, loss, and finding God's purpose. Of course one of these great books is the Bible. I am thankful for Jackson that he made my faith so much stronger.

Capture Your Grief: Day 5. Memory

 

Capture Your Grief: Day 5. Memory

 

Jackson Loved Thin Mints!!!!

 

Ok so this is one of my favorite memories of Jackson!  I had ordered girl scout cookies from my cousins and had decided that maybe I could keep them down.  I love thin mints, so I started there.  Well I kept them down and Jackson loved them!  He was never more activity than when I ate thin mints.  DeWayne would get so irritated at me for eating them to just make him move, but I loved to do it.  Now I am so thankful that I ate probably 4-5 boxes of thin mints, because I got to feel Jackson move so much more.  I will always think about my little boy anytime I eat thin mints now and smile. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 4. Legacy

 

Capture Your Grief: Day 4. Legacy

 

(I am a little behind, but I am going to try and catch up now.)

 

 

 Jackson's Memorial Foundation at UF

After Jackson was born it was really important to us that he be remembered and that he have a legacy. We started the CDH Memorial Foundation at UF in his memory. I love this foundation and pray it continues to raise money for CDH research at UF. We have been overwhelmed so far with the number of contributions. Jackson will really help other babies with CDH which is an amazing legacy!

Capture Your Grief-Day 3. Myth

But you knew he was sick...

We have been told this so many times, but you knew he was sick.  While it may have helped some, it does not make it easier really.  We knew he might never come home, but knowing it might happen and it actually happening are two completely different things.  There are so many other myths about our situation, so maybe one day I will find time to write about all of those myths. 

Capture Your Grief-Day 2. Identity

 

Day 2: Identity

 

This was a hard one for me, because I really wanted to use a picture that I have and we don't have a picture of his name, Jackson Dean.  Once I realized that it made me really sad.  We never got anything made with his name on it before he was born.  We are still waiting for his headstone, so we don't have that yet.  These are his little feet.  They look so much bigger in then picture to me than they really were (hard to imagine I know).  I love the fact that he was born after 24 weeks and therefore has a birth certificate and we have things like his foot prints.  These are things I will forever value. They help him to have an identity in this world. 

Capture Your Grief- Day 1. Sunrise

I really want to thank Life is Hard for notifying me of the Capture Your Grief Photo Challenge for the month of October through her blog. 
 

Day 1: Sunrise in Sanibel, Florida July 2011 



              

This photo was taken during vacation with DeWayne's family in the summer of 2011.  This was the summer before I went of birth control and we started to "try".  I am not a morning person so to be honest this was the only sunrise photo I could find that  took. 

 

My grief for Jackson has really changed over the past 2.5 months.  While I miss him dearly and wish things had been different, I know he is in such a better place.  I do not cry for him very often anymore.  I can talk about him and smile with no tears.  I can and do look at his pictures often.  I have a peace about his passing and that is really what I see in this picture.  It is a peaceful picture, as we were headed out on the boat before dawn to fish, just DeWayne and I.  The water was calm, there was a breeze, and the world was still sleeping.  All was peaceful.  I know the sun will come up and that with it may come a stormy day full of emotions, but right now it is dawn, beautiful, and peaceful and I am enjoying it.                

 

I have not really posted a lot publicly about Jackson.  All of our close friends of course know and we had posted an announcement on Facebook, but I have not mentioned anything on there since he was born.  Today for the first time, I posted this exact picture on Instagram.  I captioned it and used the #captureyourgrief.  It felt good to be more open and more public about it.  Maybe over this month I can open up even more.